Friday, December 28, 2012

the beautiful little girl

the 11-year-old girl at the cancer ward... Eyes and jaw cancer, just had an operation on the other eye...she's blind on both eyes now... smiling and listening attentively throughout our little Christmas cheer, how i wish to hug her, but unfortunately we are not allowed to do so... She has such a beautiful smile, so brave in facing all that has fallen onto her small frail body. My friend the therapist, the one who initiated this little do for the kids with cancer, later shared that this 11 year old girl had cancer on her left eye when she was still very little. Her right eye, eventually received the same fate. The little girl told her mother not to let them take away her right eye...but alas...it has to be taken away... God bless her mother, who is always by her side...taking care of her, loving her, not neglecting her. Unlike the husband, who left the family after knowing his daughter has cancer.

Saturday, December 01, 2012

Jesus

I've always wanted to draw Jesus, but never did for reasons that could only be known between He and I. It was this evening, without thinking much, hesitant still at first, but it was very brief, and there, the very first sketch of Him. The other is my left hand that has been given to me. My hands....my sight...I thank God for them. I've been really dissapointed by many setbacks, especially in my quest to bring my limited skills to the next level. I've prepared mentally and called/emailed...even sketched a drawing, ready for admission submission. but in the end, nothing was sent because after much calculation on the finances and number of years required, my goal is too far and too impossible for me. everytime when i'm near, something will be pulled away from me, letting me fall, having to pick myself up again and again and again and again....how many 'and again' do i still have? I do not know what is the meaning of all these. i think i'll never will. I am at a stage, which i'm not unfamiliar with, that i do not know what am i doing anymore. what is the purpose of drawing/painting/sketching when all will lead me to continuous disappointments....

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

unreachable

charcoal drawing, digitally coloured. ...................................... my dream is unreachable...

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The empty whisky glass (or The Egg)

charcoal on paper larger than 24" x 18"

Monday, October 01, 2012

Sunday, September 16, 2012

another sketch of reality

another sketch of reality... i was very tired last night, but there was an urge to capture this tiredness, this physical tiredness. The eyes, i hope i've captured the essence, the stories that are within, the struggles and victories and of the path crossed by others, all reflected from the windows of my soul. it has been such a struggle for me to find what i'm supposed to do in painting. apart from skills limitation, there are a whole lot of areas that i need to overcome. it isn't easy, that poem comes first before the skills...but i'm thankful for the stories, thankful of the people i've met, thankful that i am going through this...

Sunday, August 26, 2012

the subject

the faces are imaginary, the eyes are not, my subject is the eyes, the window to one's soul, not only to mine, but to others as well, the faces are only there to accomodate my main subject...

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Simplicity in Life

life is not meaningless but what is meaningful is far and few in between ..... i've received my fair share of material rewards: money, titles, recognition in form of words, etc... but i've never felt so empty... my recent disappointment made 'hope' even more distant than before they are but all - momentary happiness. Once again, i'm being reminded that, what truly matters to me are my family, friends, a free mind to paint, a free heart to appreciate what i still have in life. Most importantly, i wanted a growing faith. i hope my family and friends will understand when in future i choose to do what i feel is the right thing to do....as i'm typing this, even i doubt my judgement on what is really 'right' after what had happened. i may be poorer i may seemed intellectually less competent compared to what i'm still doing now or what i've done in the past. but i will not mind, if my family and close friends understand and still accept me in whatever situation i'm in. How very true...it is not simple to be simple. it takes a lot to find that happiness is simplicity....

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

oil on canvas pad ...... ...maybe it's really not worth staying on....it is ironic, that a place that i've always wanted to work in could make me feel this way...within such a short time...what is wrong?

Sunday, May 27, 2012

Are You Here For Art?

i came back Friday night from the gallery, feeling worn out (physically). and a little upset over an issue. felt the strong need to record my thoughts in some form, about how i felt in certain situations when at the Gallery or during the solo opening exhibitions of artists. this is titled: Are You Really Here For Art? sepia tone pencil, 2b pencil and red colour pencil on sketchbook. ....... back to oils, added a bit more details on the portrait today:

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

self portrait in progress

self portrait in progress oil on wood ..........

Monday, May 14, 2012

a painting does tell a story, but sometimes, an untouched canvas/surface tells even more.... ..... the beginning stage of another self portrait...oil on wood....

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

lost

still work in progress.. no ears and body yet.. maybe i will not continue with this it is a failure.. i have not been able to focus and i kept making mistakes..

Sunday, April 29, 2012

mom hasn't been well. dad needs taking care of. nobody is around. caring words are aplenty... should at least be thankful for that... please give me enough of energy and will power to make them happy...

Thursday, April 19, 2012

on the way in or on the way out?



.......
oil on board, still a work in progress...this will take much longer than expected
........



today will be my third day at the gallery.
it used to be the gallery that i've wanted to work in
many years ago, and now, five years later, i'm finally here.
i've given up a good job, good salary, good bosses and friends to look for that path that will lead me to what i wanted to become....
not that i'm not happy,
but i do hope someday, instead of working at the desk of the gallery,
my paintings will be hung there on the walls.


i must remind myself every now and then,
especially when caught up in the background works of art exhibitions,
the reason for joining an art gallery
and to not stray from that and to continue with improving my own paintings...


as always,a lot of 'what ifs' in my mind
what if i become unhappy here?
what if i cannot get along with the owner?
what if after this, instead of feeding my passion by working here, it will be wiped out? like how it was like for me when i joined an advertising company when i first started work?

ah...i think too much...

Thursday, April 12, 2012

something on my mind



though imagined, i hope the eyes were able to convey the luminosity that i wanted to achieve...
....

i've been painting in the toilet and really...i do feel like moving back to my own place....but is it worth it? just for the sake of having a larger and private place to paint?

not that i really mind the toilet space, but it's the lack of fresh air circulating...

Sunday, March 11, 2012

wishful thinking




oil sketch, digitalized. (i hate to digitalize...)

........

i wish to have a place to go
for a daily sesssion of painting

a place where a model could pose
and under natural lighting
with enough of fresh air circulating...

........

i haven't been able to paint lately
only sketches but no paintings...

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

it isn't love if it doesn't last

i was tidying up my room the other day and thought i might as well rearrange the items in my drawers.

Many forgotten items were found, well kept in different boxes...and among the letters, postcards, gifts, i found a piece of my past:



i remember doing this, many years ago
the poem was from an old book, the words so resonate with how i felt at that time, i could not help but copy it.

it is funny, how feelings change with time
i suppose it wasn't love
for love is supposed to last

..........


the layers i have put around the pain of your going are thin
i walk softly through life, adding thickness each day
a thought or a feeling of you cracks the surface,
a call to you shatters it all
i spend that night in death
and spin the first layer of life with the sunrise

.........


i am so glad i could now smile while reading this

Monday, March 05, 2012

Poetry







Poems can be in various forms....

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Again...




instead of reaching for the oils, i decided to just simply sketch with colour pencils today...
it has been a long time since i last did anything like this...

.......

i have finally found the right person to replace me in the office - i think. and i hope my boss will like her too. that she will work well and will not give up easily.

soon, i'll be drifting again....

how can a drifter ever be settled?


this passion of mine...it's like falling in love with the wrong guy....like the old fashion lyrics: if loving you is wrong then i don't want to be right again...or something like that (gosh, what's wrong with me today)

Monday, February 20, 2012

Sunday, February 05, 2012

About determination





The completed painting with gold leaf added (this photo was taken in my room with the lights off...)

...............................................................................................


Friday, I interviewed a lady one year my senior for a position in my company (I am looking for my replacement..). She has an IT background, which attracted my attention and curiosity as to why she has applied to work in a totally different scope of work. Maybe, she’s like me? When she arrived, i’ve already sensed that something was amiss…but I brushed it off, saying to myself, that I shouldn’t make assumption of a person I haven’t even got to know yet.

A few minutes later, she completed the application form and I briefly went through them. The sentence: “Hearing Problem. Have problem with low frequency sound” stood out.
I said to myself again, “maybe that’s not too bad. Let’s see how it is at the interview”

It was during the interview session that I realized that hearing isn’t her only problem …I could see her struggling, trying to listen to my every word. I tried to speak louder, but it didn’t help much. She answered me very very slowly, every single word requires so much effort from her and I noticed she never let me complete my sentences, although it didn’t seem to be due to rudeness, it was something else that she has no control over…and that crushed my heart…..

Nevertheless, I proceeded by asking her more in-depth questions. This is what I’ve learnt, after what seemed to be a rather agonizing process for her:
After graduating from the university, she worked for a number of years in the IT line. After some time, she realized that she is no longer capable of meeting the demands of the work. She was not able to respond as fast as her younger colleagues, so she decided to leave the IT sector for good and to do something administrative. From the employment request form, I noticed she never stayed on for more than a year per company since she left the IT job. Without having to ask, I think I know why…I asked her how long has she been suffering from the hearing problem and she said about 2 years now. 2 years ago, she was working at a manufacturing company where the environment was very very noisy. That might have been the reason for her hearing problem.

I have no heart to say that she’s not suitable for our company but at the same time, I didn’t want to give her false hope, so I decided to be frank, pointing out the importance of responsiveness in our line of work since we have to deal with demanding clients.
She looked at me in dismay….

After politely thanking her for her time and seeing her off, I was in deep thought….

I felt sorry for her…she knows she has a problem (and I’m not referring to the hearing problem) yet she is still trying, to give what she could contribute still, to whoever that is willing to accept her….

How sad it must be for her to leave an interview, rejected….most of the time…..

There are so many able bodied, sound minded people out there, frustrated with minor obstacles in life, that includes me…although I’m not too sure if I’m sound enough to my family and friends…but she, she has so many more to face, all these rejections….i hope she will not give up and God, please do let her find the right job one day, soon…

Sunday, January 22, 2012

a little time to post..

it's morning here, and nobody else is awake yet and so i am glad. and oh, it's starting to rain! that's even better...

....

since my last post, i've continued with the self portrait and this is how the completed painting looks:



i've tried to fit in whatever time i have to do a little bit of painting after work or during the weekends. i managed to do so for this self portrait.

then, i proceeded with another, but an imagined person and here's the progress so far:



initial sketch





2nd sitting



i'm not sure when will this ever be finished...apart from the 'time' factor, i had to move the easel away from the toilet studio back to my own room and then back to the toilet studio again and back again to my own room....this nomadic studio situation isn't helping...

hope i'll be able to find a fixed place to paint soon...