Monday, March 19, 2007

Unfiltered thoughts....

The thought of giving up trying passed through my mind many times since mid last year....after which, I picked myself up again and with clenched fist, forced the thought out again
by thinking positive thoughts...and with the help of my precious friends' supportive comments, I continued my search....till my next slump, when no words of encouragement could get through to me.....this can't go on...

There's something that I cannot clearly define....this unsatisfied feeling.....discontentment....(how true is the phrase: Happiness is Simplicity...).....I'm in search of my direction...in art....if I cannot find that, how on earth am I going to even take the first step to my dream???

And what is my dream???? To become a children's storybook illustrator....or so I thought.....but somehow, to be really really honest with myself and a rather painful realization....at my most positive, I feel that there seemed to be something else.....at my very worst, well, you won't want to know.....

The struggle within...they are becoming unbearable...what is holding me back from releasing all that's supposed to be released? Have I become too 'politically correct', even through paintbrushes and mouse?????

It is as if my brain is purging....through my hands...the never ending strokes, lines, curves and shapes....but when will 'the one' appear? When will my latest work, looked back after a few days not emit the pungent smell that always makes me want to run away and throw away my brushes and pencils?......

I have searched, but my positive mind is telling me: Maybe I've not searched or tried hard enough or this is not the right way...etc...

but how long do I need to do this? my energy is leaving me.....I'm slowly giving up......a gradual death...though I know, the cue should have been:"but I must go on, I must not give up, wake up"......but this is the actual thought that came to my mind.....and I shall let it out of my system without filtering them this time......

I might regret writing when I'm in the midst of this turmoil the next day, but I must say that this is my most honest, unfiltered thoughts of my art directions that I've ever typed down.....

21 comments:

getzapped said...

Constance, I am very sorry to hear you are in this deep slump. It's hard to imagine that you would doubt your artistic abilities, when I have admired your work from the first time I set eyes on it. But, I honor you for expressing your feelings, with honesty and sincerity. Artists struggle with this, and I hope the light shines upon you so that you can see what an inspiration you are as an artist. Your illustrations are stylish and expressive. They are waiting for you to embrace them like the rest of us do. Give yourself a break try and see with fresh eyes. Be well.

Brine Blank said...

First let me say that when I went to your profile from my page I was glad that I was able to see 'you'. I joined IF to help keep my mind active and from becoming discouraged in my job as a teacher...it is probably the toughest job I've ever had...having to get students to see their own potential when they refuse to see and develop it without feeling like I have to stand on them (but sometimes having to stand on them none-the-less)...and the reason I continue to do it at this point is because eventually a light clicks on in their heads and they finally realize what I have been trying to show them. But it really drains me...my goal too is to eventually get into children's illustration...but I wonder also how long I can hold out...but then I get little breaks here and there that might one day be the 'road' that finally leads to my destination...the one thing I continue to be amazed at is that openings come at the strangest times and in the strangest ways...keep your chin up! Illustration tends to be a tough industry to break in to (and I knew that when I started and with how I planned my direction). One thing that you might consider is a self-publishing site...I have toyed with the idea myself and ran across Lulu.com...not sure of the quality but I am going to do a test book this summer. No money down and you only pay for what you buy...plus they have an ISBN capability and they sell your book as well...it might be a start!

annax said...

Constance, just wanted to sent you a hug. I can relate to everything you wrote. If you would like to chat, I am here. We could talk about anything and everything.
Just know that I think you are wonderful! x

Anonymous said...

Dear constance

I am Sandy, a magazine editor from Taiwan. We'll introduce some blogs in our next mag, therefore, I'd like to write something about your blog. I'll put the pic of your website on the page (I will do that by myself). Is that ok with u? I tried to send you an e-mail but it didn't work. it is my e-mail: ma.sandy@kadokawa.com.tw Please just let me know what you think. Thanks so much!

Sandy

Shuku said...

Oh Constance. *BIG HUG* This sounds so familiar - energy drain, hating everything that comes out of pen onto paper ten seconds later and the utter -tiredness- that goes with it. Wanting to just throw it all in and give up already, because something is -missing- and your heart already knows it, but the answer's never -there- at easy hand to be found.

I don't know any answers either - I'm still looking for them myself - but I do know that when it got so terribly unbearable, one day I just took a day's vacation. Off somewhere to recharge energy. I think you're burned out, and maybe you do need just some quiet time near a beach or just somewhere that your tired mind and nerves can recharge. Some quiet time spent with good friends, doing things. If I had a proper kitchen, believe me! I would have you over in a heartbeat with some true-blue Italian/Lebanese/Other Good Food because you need cheering up and a cup of ginger chai!

*HUGS and thinking of you*

--Shuku

Shuku said...

Oh, I got something for you, hoping it will cheer you up! It's on my blog! :)

--Shuku

Mauricio said...

Fuerza constance, fuerza!!!!!!


"Caminante no hay camino, se hace camino al andar" Antonio Machado


Take care my friend... :o)

luisa brehm said...

Constance, cheer Up !!!
you are a fantastic illustrator and we love and need you, see ???
the future is what we do in the present, said Gandhi ...
or something like that ....
i want to see you soon, ok ???
love and kissessssssssss
luisa

by the way, it's saturday March 24.

miragee said...

Constance, I don't think you will regret writing this. I sometimes have the same negative idea. It's just I don't write it down:-). I know that negative thought will eventually go, so there's no need to magnify it. However, you'll get suggestions and feedback by writing it down.

I have my cycles. There are times when I terribly firm even though my road still seems long, but I come down after being on the top for a while. For example, this week I was supposed to start something new, but I didn't. Instead, I ended up not painting at all and downloading Korean TV series all the time. But I know that after this, I'll be able to pull myself together soon. If you don't feel like creating that much for the time being, take a break. Then you'll find that you want to paint a lot after the break. You'll be happy and fine again.

You shouldn't give up because even though you haven't been where you'd want to be, I see your progress. It'll be a huge shame if you no longer paint, really.

Before publishers find you, just do what you want to. Every book, or every attempt is exercise that'll take you somewhere higher. I talked to some publishers last summer, and I haven't heard from them ever since. In a way, I am ok with that because I can carry on with my projects. But I am still waiting for opportunities, tiny as they might be.

I find it helpful to shift my focus to something else when I feel kinda discouraged in painting. Perhaps you'd like to something that makes you happy apart from painting?

A lot of good luck and courage. Don't ever ever give up...Painting for me is one of the best things that have ever happened to me, and I think it means the same to you:-).

with love...

Lyrically speaking said...

Don't give up, you can't you know you are stronger than you think Constance. You are an inspiration to many of us here so don't leave room for negativity. Thanks to your encouragement I get to go back to my painting, you can see for yourself by visiting my blog. You have us in the blog world to encourage you, you are too talented, beautiful inside and out so keep your head up.

constance said...

Thank you is really just not enough....to my dear friends...getzapped, dearest annax, shuku, mauricio, luisa, miragee and lyrically speaking....hugs and love! A big hug to all...x for being there....

I guess you are all right...about my needing a break...I cannot lie and say that I've totally dusted off the dirt from my recent fall but I'll try and allow myself this 'pause'...

Thanks brian for recommending me Lulu.com...I really appreciate it...

Thanks sandy, for your kind intention....though I really don't know what can be written about my blog....

cosmic clown said...

hey Constance,
honest thoughts....evry genuine feeling....the pain...every artist goes through and i am sure those are the ingradients for an Artist to create something new.....struggle with oneself....first visit....hope to come for more and learn from you.....

Cecilia said...

Constance: tu trabajo es excelente, haz lo que dicte tu corazón pero no renuncies a tus sueños.
Vales mucho.
Fuerza! fuerza!
Te abrazo

Majeak Ann said...

Constance.....dear Constance...
Write me, please, if you wish, my friend. If there is anything I can do for you to make you feel better, please, you can count on me.
You are wonderful..amazing artist..and WOW!! have you think about writing books????
You ARE AN AMAZING WRITER!
You really touch people hearts...you have so much to offer, and you always do.
Never..but please..never give up.
Write me...I would love to.
Sorry I have been "away"..and lazy( and a with a little bit of ammezia) when replying messages. But I am here. And you are a friend. My friend.
hugs, love and positve thoughts for you...
-Marjorie

kimi said...

Dear friend, come to look for me and we go for tea, have a chit-chat... release those unhappiness... I can't talk much or give you much encouragement here because i'm not well in English but i'm here for you. :)

Please contact me when you're free. *Hugs! \(^3^)/ Take care.

*from ellell

Cecilia said...

Constance don't be depressed, cheer up you're a great artist your productions are really great and we all appreciate them, just do what your heart tells you!.
mas besos

Jessica Wong said...

Cousin dearest, you've inspired me a lot and i really think you're a great illustrator yourself. Do not give up on your passion ok? We love to see more of your work.

Digital Scott's illustrationblog said...

Constance, I really appreciated your honesty, and I can relate on so many levels. Creative people are just wired differently. Perhaps we feel more, experience more, are open to more? I think this world can be a painful, difficult place for the creative soul. But I think it's worth it to keep persisting, keep trying to make sense of it all.

I want to create, and get paid for it, but it's hard to find clients. Getting out there and "selling myself" is the hardest thing in the world for me, even though I'm confident in my skills and ability.

I tell you honestly, when I see your name in the IF site, I am always really excited to see what you've done. You have talent and beauty coming out your ears!

On a recent blog, I saw a quote that went something like this... "Take care of your art, and your art will take care of you." I like that a lot! I also like it when when I add an "he". "Take care of your heart, and it will take care of you." I know as a creative person, I must take care of my heart so I can more easily access my creativity. Easy to say, not so easy to do. But I'm working on it. You too?

Blessings upon you.

pretty said...

cons,

u know that all u have to do is leave ur comfort zone and starts to find ways to be recognised in ur industry, locallly or internationally. doesnt matter. arts are like music, they have no barriers. no age no language no state boundaries. just go cons. u cant stay THERE forever...and u have so much talent in u that need to escape.

i know it can be scary to leave sumthing that u think u know but dont like. but maybe a little push may carry u further than u can imagine.

go cons, u can do it! i have so much faith in u!

pretty

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